i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
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i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
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You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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