You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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