2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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