There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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