But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
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