it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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