I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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