saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
If that was your dad, he is hot
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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