Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
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Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
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I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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