he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I am midnight drunk by noon
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
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Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
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It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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