I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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