The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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