Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
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