morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
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She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
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Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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