The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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