i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
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I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
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Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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