i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
