it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
