Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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