Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
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I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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