My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
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Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
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Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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