Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
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As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
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Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
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