Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
