When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
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I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
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MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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