What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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