I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
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She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
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He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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