my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
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