I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
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and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
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If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
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