sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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