Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
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Princesses don't give blow jobs
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
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Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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