I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
