The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
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I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
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Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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