i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
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You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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