What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
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Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
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I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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