The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
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I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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