I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
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She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
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Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
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