If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
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It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
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Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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