I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
You pole danced in your parka.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
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