Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
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sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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