I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
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whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
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You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
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