I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
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He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
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Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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