He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
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I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
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After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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