Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
