I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
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He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
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The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
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