Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
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I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
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Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
tell me about the fingering
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