My boss' voice literally gives me gas
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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