When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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