when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
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and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
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You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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