i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
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Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
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I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I had to cum in my sink.
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