party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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