Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
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We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
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why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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